We Met...We Married...We Live

Craft Project Time!

Pat and I recently celebrated our first anniversary. So of course, that meant I needed to come up with the perfect gift. Oh sure, I could've made this easy on myself by buying one of the videogames on his Amazon wish list, or pretty much anything signed by an astronaut...either of which he would've LOVED. But I wanted to get him something a little more sentimental and unique to mark the occasion.

So I went straight to the best place to find things that are "sentimental and unique": Etsy.com
And of course, Etsy had the perfect gift. A cute little custom picture with 3 maps in the shape of a heart, each map representing where we met, married, and live. It was perfect...except that it didn't match the decor in our bedroom, which is where I envisioned it would go.

See, a while back, Pat and I came across this cute little piece of wall art in a cute shop (see right). We impulse-purchased it on the spot because it actually contained some of the things Pat said to me in his vows (true story). That cute little box sign resided in our bedroom, where it looked all small and lonely by itself on the wall. So I thought the idea of the "We Met We Married We Live" sign would be a great little compliment to our lovey-dovey-schmoopy-bear themed bedroom wall art...except for the little fact that it didn't match.

And here's where I did something terrible. I decided to steal the idea from Etsy and make one myself - one that would look good next to our little box sign. To be fair, Etsy sells lots of these little signs, so I'm not even sure which of the crafters had the original idea in the first place. But whoever's idea I stole, just know I'm terribly sorry. There, my soul is cleansed. Now I'll tell you how I did it:

First, I went to my trusty Amazon, and found another matching box sign from the same brand as our original sign. I wanted my new box sign to be slightly longer than the one I had. There are a ton of variations of these little signs, so I basically just shopped around until I found the one in the dimensions I wanted.  This is the one I wound up buying: This gave me a nice base that would perfectly match the wall art that was already in our room. I briefly considered building this from scratch, but I figured for only $16.50, it was worth the convenience of buying one pre-made...and one that I could be sure would match perfectly.

For the next step, I sanded off the writing on the new sign (150 grit on electric sander), and touched up the sanded parts with a little black stain: Minwax 70012 1 Quart Dark Waln (Google Affiliate Ad). These signs have a worn look to them, so I used a light hand with the stain. This left me with a blank box sign:

Next up, I found the appropriate maps online. I basically just searched google images until I found ones I liked. I then printed them out at home using glossy paper on my inkjet printer. In case you're curious, our maps are of Atlanta (we met), Cancun (we married), and Northern VA (we live). I then traced a heart shape on the maps and then cut out the hearts with plain old scissors and a steady hand. 

I also bought some silver letter stickers for the wording: Sticko Letters/Numbers Sticker Value Pack, Black, Gold and Silver Small, 840-Pack

I decided I'd better practice my letter-stickering-skills before applying the real deal (there are limited numbers of each letter so I couldn't afford to ruin any). So I decided to practice by putting a little message inside the back of the frame. Yep...it's a little crooked. Good thing I practiced first :)

Next up, I used 3M General Purpose 45 Spray Adhesive, 10-1/4-Ounce to apply my heart maps. Spray Adhesive is essential. DO NOT USE GLUE STICKS OR SQUIRT GLUE! It will come out lumpy if you do. Spray the adhesive directly on the back of the heart map while being careful not to touch the printed front with sticky fingers (you might smudge the map print).

After my maps were attached, I added the letters.
TIP: When adding the letters, always align the middle of the phrase with the point of the heart. So, for example, for "we married", the phrase is 10 letters long, counting the space. The middle of the phrase is between the 'a' and the first 'r'. So affix those letters first, aligning them so that the point of the heart lines up perfectly between the two letters. Then continue to add the rest of the letters working outward from the middle. Do the same for the other two phrases, always making sure the bottom of the heart lines up with the middle of the phrase. This will keep everything looking even. 

For the final step, I sprayed the whole thing with 3 light coats of Spray Polyurethane. Wait 30 minutes between each coat. I chose a Satin finish for this because I wanted it to match the matte look of the other box frame already on our wall. However, I think a gloss finish would also look amazing if you're not trying to match another piece (as I was). So choose whichever finish you like here.

 

The Big Reveal: Here's Pat after opening his homemade present (and potentially concealing any disappointment in the fact that I blatantly ignored all those hints about that new Assassin's Creed game that he really wanted).

Here's how it looks on our bedroom wall next to our other box sign. We clearly need to add one or two more things to turn this into a grouping, but adding another worded box sign would make it too wordy. So this little wall art arrangement is an ongoing work in progress. We will continue to look for the perfect little piece(s) of wall art to complete this space.

I'm really happy with the final product. I was a little worried that the inkjet-printed maps would bleed when I applied the polyurethane, but that didn't happen. Since we already had the adhesive, stain, and polyurethane in the basement, this little project only cost me what I paid for the stickers and the box sign. Total project cost: $23

In keeping with the theme of being crafty, I also got Pat another gift: A set of supplies for making your own DIY cufflinks. He's already made a couple of really neat ones, which will be the star of an upcoming post. To be continued...

El Cheapo Cement Planter Boxes

If you read about the Fortress of Squirrelitude, you know that Janel likes to plant things. Everywhere. Over the sink. On the windowsill. In the china cabinet. In the mancave. I think I found some onions growing in my sock drawer.

We have some plastic planter boxes, but Janel wanted something a little more sturdy. Stone or cast cement planters can cost over a hundred dollars. We devised this alternative after seeing something similar in a DIY magazine.

This is a pretty easy project. Get four square pavers/stepping stones from your local Home Depot. We chose gray cast concrete 16” pavers. They are heavier than they look, so be careful when lifting them into and out of the car.

Step 1: Line up the pavers as you’d like them. Do this on a flat surface or you will not be able to make the tops straight. We chose to put two on the end flat against two in the middle to give a slight rectangular shape. If you arrange these like a pinwheel you can also make them square. Note: you have to do this close to where you want it to go as the final configuration weighs between 80 and 100 lbs.

Step 2: When they are in the configuration you want, squeeze generous amounts of Heavy Duty Liquid Nails along the edge of the two middle pavers. Clamp them with a pair of bar clamps (more if you got em). You could also stack this by rotating the box 90 degrees on the short side (flip once to the left in the picture below) so that the weight of the pavers pressed down on the Liquid Nails, but we didn’t have a level flat surface nearby to the installation point so we had to do it like this. When we tried to stack it the other way, the pavers started to slowly ooze apart.

Note our innovative technique to make two short clamps into one long clamp. It doesn't work that well, but in a pinch... flip the blue/yellow thing on the left 180 degrees. Then clamp against it with the other one. We really need another long bar clamp, but we're just waiting for them to go on sale.

Step 3: Wait for the Liquid Nails to dry, at least overnight. Don’t do this when it’s too cold out or the LN won’t stick right.

Step 4: Dig a hole that’s a little larger than the planter and just a few inches deep. You need a level area to set the planter on. It’s reasonably easy to level once it’s in place by rocking it on the size. The depth of the hole will decide how high the planter sticks up.

Step 5: Maneuver the planter into the hole. Remember that the completed piece weighs 80-100 lbs. We don’t recommend picking it up very high, because remember: it’s held together with LIQUID NAILS. So if they don’t feel like sticking you’re going to need a new toe.

Step 6: Level the planter by putting dirt under the corner that needs it or scraping some out. Rock the planter up at a 45 degree angle and have your friend/spouse scrape or add dirt. Try not to drop it on his/her fingers (recall. It weighs 100 lbs) or they won’t be planting much.

Step 7: Fill with compost and soil. Janel put some dead leaves in the bottom to give the worms something crunchy to munch on as they chew her soil. That and filling the whole thing takes about ¾ of a bag of topsoil. And that stuff isn’t cheap (as we discussed in The Fortress of Squirrelitude).

You can also use different sized pavers, for example 8x16” if you want boxes that are long and skinny. Or you can turn them sideways if you want ones that are not so high. In this case, the 16” variants were about $3.50 each, meaning it cost less than $60 to assemble four planters along the walkway between our two patios.

This is an easy project, but it takes a couple of days to complete if you have to assemble it like we did and only have two clamps.

Note: this post was completely free of graphs, charts, and overanalysis. Just glue that crap together, clamp, and go!

The Fortress of Squirrelitude

Last year was Janel’s first attempt at making an organic, chemical-free above ground garden. She dug up the backyard, put in some topsoil, and planted some green things. Through the course of the summer, the squirrels helped themselves to all her strawberries, bugs tunneled through her squash, and we got exactly three tomatoes and a handful of blueberries. This year, we thought we’d re-start. Here’s the step-by-step guide to getting it done.

Step 1: Moving the Garden

As aerospace engineers, we’re experienced in calculating the rotation matrices to ensure that solar panels on satellites maintain a constant sun angle throughout their orbit. We kinda both sucked at that class and didn’t realize that the neighbor’s fence throws a shadow into the garden for 65% of the day. The first step was to move the garden about six feet to the north. If you read the “Mulch Madness” post you can see how scraggly and leaf-covered the right and back parts of the yard are. Ewww. Grosss.

Step 2: Cover with Topsoil and Peat Moss

Janel was very excited about her garden and really really really really wanted to go to the garden store the day that it opened. We got two bags of topsoil and three compressed packages (2 cubic feet) of peat moss to place on top of the new mud pile.

Lady at the Register: “That will be $64.”

Pat: “SIXTY FOUR DOLLARS? FOR DIRT???? ARE YOU KIDDING?”

Janel: “This is my video game.”

Pat: “Oh.”

I constantly forget that the purpose of the garden is not to make food from sunlight and water. It’s for her entertainment. She gets pleasure from going out and touching each green thing and trimming them and pulling weeds and counting her strawberries and all kinds of other weird nature stuff. Women are a lot like airplanes: they’re really nice to look at but I’m not sure anyone really understands how they work.

Step 2: Cover the topsoil with a layer of peat moss

The $64 dirt is still shocking to me. My grandfather would be horrified to know that we paid for dirt. He still doesn’t understand bottled water. He would say “Back during the depression, all we had was dirt. We had to eat it and sleep in it. The only job we had was digging holes in the dirt.” We just spent two months of 1930’s-equivalent salary on dirt – one of the most abundant substances on the planet. I made this chart for Janel just to reiterate this point:

Step 3: Plant the Growy Things

While all this was going on, Janel started a series of seeds inside a recycled Costco jumbo sized egg crate. The key to this step of the project is creating a legend so you can remember what thing is what. Also note that everything is labeled “earth friendly” or “organic” or “hippy dippy.” She says they taste better.

Step 4: Stakes, Climby Stuff, and The Squirrel Barrier

The next step was to set up some stakes in the yard and attach a climbing trellis. One of the major problems we had last year is that the bugs and things ate the plants as they sat on the ground. You have to give them something to “flop over” or they all get ruined. Janel ordered trellis netting from Amazon and tied it to the stakes.

The major problem we had last year was finding squirrel teeth marks on all the strawberries. The little buggers really like to dig up seeds and eat things at the exact second that they ripen. Janel ordered two packages of bird netting to drape over the entire garden. This close up shot reveals THE FORTRESS OF SQUIRRELITUDE™.

The design, shown above, is a "two pyramid" approach that is anchored in the same place on the sides. The white layer is the trellis netting to keep the plants off the ground. The netting is supposed to keep the birds and squirrels from eating the plants... and so far it's working!

This is our new experiment for the year, so we’ll keep you tuned in to how it’s going. (Note that this picture is taken after Mulch Madness was complete and shows you what the other corner of the yard looks like).

The Romance Cave Redux

Our master bedroom is still a work in progress. It’s kinda weird, but it’s the room we’ve given the least thought to and we don’t have a coherent strategy or design for it yet… It's a hodgepodge of random things and we're still open for ideas.

In Make Your Own Romance Cave, we showed how we spray painted a $5 shiny brass chandelier from the 80’s to create a totally awesome and totally romantic satin black sexy candle-lit bedroom. When combined with Janel’s angled-bed trademark, it gives the bedroom a pretty neat look. We’ve been on the lookout for a corner shelf that can fill the dead space above the bed.

When we ordered the floating shelves for the office remodel, we needed to add a $50 item to the cart to reach $200 so we could use a $50 coupon (??? I know. We’re weird). We found a great looking satin black corner shelf – and by the aforementioned math it was free. The quality on this shelf was very nice, especially when compared to the floating shelves we ordered for the office (of which we did not approve).

Installation was a cinch. An absolute cinch. It took three wall anchors, three screws, zero patching, and five minutes to put this thing up. When I put the level up I was absolutely shocked to see that I got this level on the first try. An absolute amazing shocking Home Alone Aftershave Cinch.

We’re not sure why it required three screws and not four. And we're not sure why there are a bunch of extra hardware pieces in the box. And we're not sure what the sealed instructions say. Are you thinking there’s going to be an upcoming blog post called “The Time a Shelf Fell on My Face While I Slept?” I hope not.

By the way, this the first time I’ve ever gotten a shelf, a stair, a planter box, a picture frame, or even a level level on the first try.

We topped the sexy shelf off with a set of remote-controlled LED candles that Janel found for $10 at Costco. I wish we had picked up a second set because we could totally candle up the romance cave and then the remote control would be like the talisman of ultimate power because chicks totally dig candles and are helpless around them. It's like chick kryptonite, especially when paired with backrubs.

Here’s the before before and final after of the romance cave.

Before Before (2011)	Final After (2013)

We’re getting a little fancy with our house projects. Ordinarily we wouldn’t BUY things from real stores. We’d repurpose something else or get something from the Goodwill and spray paint it. The truth is, we’ve been looking for the optimized shelf for about 17 months. Sometimes you find the one you want and you just have to jump on it.

Sometimes you find the perfect one and you decide at the last minute to go for the second best thing, as we did in the kitchen (click here).

Dark Matter and the Kitchen’s Finishing Touch

In the fall of 2011, we remodeled our kitchen by putting chalkboard panels on the fridge, re-painting the cabinet doors, installing new hardware, installing task lighting, taking down a crazy built-in shelf, and removing the vent hood over the stove. We were pretty happy with the way it turned out, but it seemed like it was missing one finishing touch.

We were always on the lookout for the “perfect” light fixture that would finish the kitchen and top off the retro look. One day, while flipping through This Old House magazine, I came across an advertisement in the back from Barn Light Electric that showed their line of “schoolhouse pendants.”

Wow! This was the one (or so I thought). I showed it to Janel and she totally agreed. We really liked the look of the red one with the strip around the glass. Their website had several options to customize the look. I suppose now is a great time to introduce you to another systems engineering tool, the morphological matrix.

The morphological matrix was developed by Fritz Zwicky, a Swiss Astronomer born in 1898 (he was also the first to discover evidence of "dark matter" in 1933). The concept allows you to break down all of the possible options into a combinatorial matrix where you can pick at most one option, o, from each row. When all design parameters, p, are independent, you quickly arrive at an unfathomable number of possible design alternatives as shown by the equation below.

The morphological matrix for selecting a schoolhouse pendant from Barn Light Electric is shown as follows:

Yielding a total number of possible design alternatives of 672 (2x15x3x7). Now I know what you’re thinking: “That’s engineering??? That’s just picking things in boxes!” It took 10 years and $374,000 of school to learn how to pick things in boxes, ok? OK? The world needs engineers.

The way it works is that you pick one option in each category... For example...

It took us about two hours of trade studies to decide on the Large, Buttery Yellow, Painted Band - Double, Buttery Yellow Band Color. The total cost of this alternative was $217 plus tax and shipping. We were super excited about our new light and created an account and went to the checkout when we saw the maximizing engineer’s worst nightmare:

“Coupon Code?”

Oh. It’s possible to get a coupon code? Really. A coupon code. Hmm. TO THE GOOGLE! Janel got out her computer and I switched over to a new tab and we started a 45 minute online search through two dozen coupon sites. No luck. Oh god this is really frustrating. I wonder how much we could save with this theoretical coupon?

I decided to just order the light anyway because it was PERFECT! Right as I raised my finger to click “Buy it Now,” Janel slapped the mouse out of my hand. “Did you check Amazon?” No. I didn’t. I didn’t know it was called a “schoolhouse pendant” until we found this ad in the back of the magazine. A quick search on Amazon found a less-optimal alternative (number 124) with a chrome mounting and no stripe for $31 with no tax and free Amazon Prime 2-day shipping. $31!!!!! AMAZSEEEEE. How is this possible?

We decided we could paint the housing and the stripe on this light to save over $200. One-Click-Ordered. Sorry, Barn Light Electric. Your stuff is really awesome, though!

(time passes)

The light arrived two days later and the chrome finish almost exactly matched everything else in the kitchen. We decided to skip the painting and the stripe and just install it as-is. Yeah the other one was way cuter, but we thought this one would work just fine.

Installing the Light

Janel does all the electrical work in our house. In a dress. This was a really easy install. She painted over the circle left by removal of the old boob light and patched a little of the edges with some quick drying spackle. Actually, she did that in the other order.

Here are some pics of her installing the light. Very simple installation. We put in the brightest CFL lightbulb we had (150W equivalent) because the old light held two bulbs, and now it’s like “don’t stare directly at the schoolhouse pendant.” It really brightens up the room.

Here’s the “before and after shot” of the kitchen as it’s been for a little over a year and how it looks with the perfect finishing touch. All it took was a little morphology (wow. Microsoft Word recognizes that as a real word), a little maximizing, a little engineer-mind-changing, and a little light electrical work in a stretchy sundress. Now the kitchen is complete.

Missing the Finishing Touch	Fin

Dear Barn Light Electric: We agree that your light is totally cuter than the one we bought, but as engineers, we are bound to make cost-optimal decisions. If you are reading this, and would like to send us the following product at no charge, we would be more than happy to install it and blog about it. Your stuff is totally awesome.

Seriously. Their stuff is beautiful and awesome.

Mulch Madness

Being a tree-hugging, organic, sustainable, sulfite-free hippy, my wife disallows anything that looks like a chemical from entering the 1/3 acre rectangle that defines our cute little home. As such, nature sees fit to attack the borders as crazy beanstalks and all kinds of critters munch around the edges of our little all-natural paradise. As such, the backyard looks a little scraggly. We recently decided to mulch around the entire perimeter of the backyard fence to improve the aesthetics and combat some of the scragglyness. This is the story of how we did it.

Defining the Problem

First, we had to decide how much mulch was needed. I measured the desired areas and it required almost 2,000 square feet of coverage. An online mulch calculator told us that a three inch coating of mulch would cover between 12 and 15 cubic yards. We settled on thirteen which is about 350 cubic feet.

The next decision was “bags or delivery.” A bag of mulch is about 2 cubic feet and costs $3.50 (in Washington, DC). Our car will hold ten bags if you fold down the back seat, meaning it will take 18 trips to Home Depot [roundup(175/10)=180] to get them all. Plus, this is $630 of mulch!

My grandpa would say “back in the Great Depression, all we had was mulch. We had to eat it and sleep in it.” He would be horrified to think that we spent the then-year equivalent of a year’s salary on ground up tree bits. Oh yeah, plus each trip to Home Depot uses about 0.6 gallons of gas and at current prices adds another $23.34 to the total cost. See why we never get anything done?

Our neighbor, let’s call him “S” has a beautifully landscaped yard and recommended a local place called Saunder’s Landscape Supply. They will deliver mulch for $27/cubic yard for 7-10 total yards (min = 7) or $24/cubic yard for ten-to-infinity cubic yards (total of $312 plus tax). This is equivalent to getting a bag of mulch for $0.89. You guessed it. This one is just begging for a chart. So here it is:

Because of the way the mulch is priced, there are two “breakeven points” in the calculation. The first says that it’s actually cheaper to get the minimum amount of 7 cubic yards delivered than it is to get 5, 6, or 7 cubic yards by the bag. You’d be better off to get it delivered and just throw the extra away… or make your mulch a little thicker. The second breakeven point says it’s cheaper to get 10 yards delivered than 9 yards. So no one should ever order 9 yards. The psychology of the pricing says that Saunders’ designed their scheme to ensure you order 10 or more. I bet all their customers make this plot so they can decide what’s best for them…


Thirteen cubic yards of mulch is about the size of our car and weighs twice as much:

This is going to be some good exercise. Here’s Janel, getting some good exercise moving shovels of mulch (one drawback to delivery…)

In the front, we piled the new natural colored mulch on top of last year’s red (bagged) mulch. This worked OK until the chipmunks started digging up the place and sprinkling red mulch on top of the nice brown mulch… it might help to keep your colors constant.

We also tried to put down landscape fabric where we could because we have a lot of scraggly scragglies. The ivy/vines here grow like crazy.

Before	During

Before (Note the Car-Sized Mulch Pile)	After

A “during/after” panorama. Note the plant box under assembly on the left. The pile of rocks in the middle is a work in progress. And the un-mulched area on the left is on its way to becoming a pond (Janel’s project). Simon says: “this is so awesome. You turned the whole backyard into one giant litterbox.”

"I'm going to poop in there..."

Upper patio, looking East	Middle Earth… er, Middle Mulch

Our backyard has a lot of rocks that were dug up in the course of installing the patio. Janel’s plan is to ring the pond with these rocks and then we’ll spread the big ones across the mulched areas as a decorative element as you see in the pictures above.

We also checked in with our little “Clearance Tree.” We got this little Japanese Maple (named Seto after the heroic father of Red XIII in Final Fantasy VII) for $19 on clearance. A four-footer at Costco would set you back almost $200. Seto got a fresh layer of mulch, a ring of stone edging (more on this project later), and some little friends to keep him company. 

This project was IN-TENSE. We had to get a new wheelbarrow, a giant shovel, a car-sized pile of mulch, and Epsom Salt for soaking my ass muscles in the bathtub. But it was really good exercise and really got the icky parts of the yard under control. 

The backyard restaurant/patio bar is now officially OPEN FOR BUSINESS.

The I-495 Express Lanes Don't Save You Time

I guess the title should have said "Spoiler Alert." As engineers, we have a pathological problem when we see something non-optimized... we just have to fix it... or complain about it. This post is in the second category. We recently undertook a non-scientific study to determine if we should be paying to use Northern Virginia's new High Occupancy Toll (HOT) lanes around the DC Beltway, also called the I-495 Express Lanes. The result of our experiment is a decisive no in almost all circumstances. You can read the rant below. 

We decided to add a new category to this blog called "Nerd Improvements" or "Nerdprovements" for short...

Introducing the I-495 Express Lanes

The I-495 Express Lanes Project is a $1.4B, four year development to add four additional High Occupancy Toll (HOT) lanes each way along a fourteen mile stretch of excruciatingly congested highway from Tyson’s Corner to Springfield, VA. Construction for the project snarled traffic for years as construction workers re-designed about a dozen interchanges and poured concrete off-ramps that rival the Great Pyramids, causing me to waste tens of government dollars idling idle-ly in traffic. After waiting (and cursing) to try the damn thing for years, I've recently partaken in the buffet that is high-priced, elitist, express travel. Recently, I've begun to question my toll charges and my very existence as a self-important DC-dweller, saying "is this thing really worth it?"

Our analysis is a decisive "no" for many reasons. Here are a few things we've learned as we've overanalyzed the project for the past six months:

You Need an EZ Pass Flex

The stupidest thing about the I-495 Express Lanes is that they are so amazing and confusing that you need a special EZ Pass just to use them! Enter the new "EZ Pass Flex." It's got a switch on it so you can just take your hands and eyes off the wheel and switch HOV to "on" any time you have three or more people in the vehicle and you can use the express lanes for free.

Actually, you don't need an EZ Pass Flex to use the lanes... just to use them for free when you have three or more people in your vehicle. Didn't you read one of the many helpful and informative signs along the roads leading up to the I-495 Express Lanes?

Let's see. Express and EZ Pass and EZ Pass Flex, 3+, carry the one. Required plus no toll. Jeez in the time it took me to read and process that sign, I ran over three squirrels. At least, I hope they were squirrels. Seriously. I've got three degrees in engineering that sign is harder to understand than differential equations.

You like equations? The EZ Pass Flex costs $1 per month ($24 a year for me and my two cars). You know how many times I've had three people in my vehicle and needed to take the express lanes? Zero. You know how many times I've had three people in my vehicle? Zero. I work in DC... I don't even know three people unless they are inside my BlackBerry. I would actually lose money by ordering two EZ Pass Flex's (Flexii?) and decided to keep my EZ Pass Regular, just paying the extra toll on the rare chance that I'd ever have friends or guests in my vehicle.

Before running out and getting one, you should decide if you will even get to use the flex feature. Well, that and you should decide if the lanes even go where you need to go...

You Can't Get On or Off When You Want

The stupidest thing about the I-495 Express Lanes is that you can't get on or off when you want. Unlike similar lanes on Atlantas I-85, you have to decide you want in at any number of confusingly located exits. You have to remember which way they go, if they're on the left or the right, and if you can even exit there. Take for example the helpful map provided by Fairfax County (left). Good luck reading that on a four-inch cell phone as you speed along at 80 mph and try to change the song on Pandora. I use this highway every day and I still can't remember if I can get on going North at Westpark or South at Gallows or beyeyeonenngnggng HEAD-E-SPLODE!!!

You can't get on or off at Route 50... you know... the main drag that takes you all the way from the Fairfax Suburbs to downtown DC. You can get off at Route 29, which goes nowhere and does nothing (GNDN). Really? Whose idea was this???

The express lanes are separated from the regular lanes by four-foot plastic dividers, presumably so that when the Zombie Apocalypse comes, Obama and his Secret Service dudes can just drive over the dividers and get the heck out of dodge. The dividers are infuriating - remember, you have to decide to get on the lanes once. After you make that decision, you can't decide later. So when the regular lanes are at a standstill and some lady in her walker slowly oozes past your driver's door, there's nothing you can do about it. This is a glaring design flaw. They would have made a ton more money if they had big flashing signs that said:

"Tired of Sitting There? We'll Let You in for $8.95..."

The fact that you have to pretty much know where you're going and make the decision to enter the lanes at a single opportunity make the I-495 Express Lanes basically useless to me. Besides, the whole value of the lanes is being able to pull out of stopped traffic while you say "see, I live in Washington, DC and I am so rich and important I can pay nine bucks to go a mile while you peasants are stuck in traffic. mwa ha ha." Now that would be worth it to me.

Seriously though, you have to decide at the beginning of your trip if you're going to use them or not, and the only way to do so is to read the dynamic pricing information boards.

Dynamic Pricing is Annoying

The stupidest thing about the I-495 Express Lanes is “dynamic pricing,” a new feature in traffic management that adjusts the price on the lanes (effectively adjusting demand by manipulating the supply of lower-priced tolls) to modulate the flow of traffic. Ahead of each Express entrance, Virginia DOT placed dozens of unsightly signs like this one on the otherwise beautifully manicured lawn of the Woodburn School for the Fine Arts:

Thanks for the info, but that doesn’t help me. Is this normal? How much time does it save me? Is there a giant accident on the regular lanes? This sign would be way more useful if it says “Overturned Tractor Trailer Full of Chickens and Laughing Gas at I-66 and 495-Regular.”

Dynamic pricing has another feature: it’s designed to guarantee an average travel speed of 45 mph. 45 mph. Or as Grandpa calls it: too frickin fast! In fact, I-495 has a speed limit of 55 mph, so a better design feature would be “we guarantee you a speed that’s at least as fast as the speed limit.”

In practice it doesn't matter, the Express Lanes have another detracting design feature that definitely limits your speed to less than 55 mph: the cops.

The Place is Crawling with Cops

When the I-495 Express Lanes were constructed, they ate up the entire emergency lane on the left side of the road to clear space… also eating up all the good traffic cop hideaways on I-495-regular. They also placed big giant swooping medians, large concrete obstructions, and turnaround cutouts along the 495 Express Lanes making the place a perfect hangout for traffic cops low on their quota. And boy do they love it. Let’s recap some of the facts:

• Great hiding places
• Captive audience – you can’t exit the express lanes and mix with other cars
• Drivers willing to pay $4.75 to drive six miles
• It’s called “Express” so everyone’s in a hurry

As a result, the traffic on I-495-regular is almost always moving faster than the express lanes. During peak hours traveling south from Tysons to Annandale, I’ve averaged exactly 55 mph (on cruise control) while the regular lanes average about 63 mph (with peaks close to 80). You’re wasting your money and risking an expensive and easily collected ticket. The I-495 Express Lanes are just crawling with cops. Check out this picture I snapped with my cell phone yesterday while I was driving along:

Image credit: Duh.

I forgot to mention, this might be the absolutely stupidest thing about the whole design. Talk about an expensive toll.
Oh, and by the way... Why do they bother with cops? They know who you are from your EZ Pass transponder. They know when you enter and exit the lanes... Velocity Equals Distance Divided By Time. Can't they just calculate your speed and mail you ticket?

The Sad Truth: It (Probably)* Doesn’t Save You Time

The very very ultimately stupidest feature of the I-495 Express Lanes is that they aren't actually express and they don't save you time. Because of the Lights.

If you are doing anything other than driving the entire length of the road from Springfield to the Dulles Roll Road (or I-495N to Maryland), Using the I-495 Express Lanes Makes No Sense Because You Spend More Time at the Traffic Lights on Either End than you save by driving faster. In recent testing, my wife and I left home at the same time to meet in Tyson's corner. I took the express lanes, she took the regular lanes, and we both agreed to drive no faster than 55 mph. Although I skipped some light congestion at Route 66, the traffic lights and roundabout routing in Tyson's caused me to arrive at the restaurant two minutes later.

On the way home, we switched roles. I waved with glee as I (495 regular) drove past her at the exit light on Gallows Road (express). I beat her home by 95 seconds.

We've repeated this test several times with several origin-destination pairings. The lights are especially onerous because they are often timed to catch you at a second light even after you make exit the highway.

We've only had one incident where we saved about 20 minutes avoiding a major accident in Tyson's on our way to the Dulles Airport. But since we're engineers and always get to the airport three hours ahead of our flights anyway, we can't count this in the sample. Our tests have shown time and again that:

Cops (lower than average speed) + Circuitous Way to Get On/Off + Lights = Not Faster

The Final Analysis: Why Do You Bother?

So let's talk about the math. Why are you even using the I-495 Express Lanes? The entire route: Dulles/I-495 to Springfield, is 14 miles. If you drive this distance at exactly 55 miles an hour, the trip takes 15.3 minutes and (at peak travel times) costs about $4.

If you took this same trip - assuming no cops - at 70 mph, you would save 3 minutes and 16 seconds. You could save a full five minutes by driving the distance at 82 mph.

If you assume that you could always save five minutes and you're willing to pay $4 for it, then this "cost savings" equates to $48/hour. Why are you complaining about that $14 movie ticket to Transformers 3 IMAX ($5.35/hr) or a $16/hr babysitter when you're paying almost fifty bucks an hour just to drive a little faster? I get it that Transformers 3 totally sucked (we miss you, Megan!) but seriously... the I-495 Express Lanes are like a Michael Bay movie with no explosions.

A January 2013 news article says that the express lanes are making good money, but surprisingly says "about one in seven drivers uses the express lanes." WHAT? 14% of beltway drivers use the lanes? 14% of beltway drivers are willing to pay $4 to possibly get there 5 minutes faster? What the heck is wrong with us?

Although I do have to admit, I feel rich and famous pulling onto the Express Lanes and throwing caviar and hundred-dollar-bills out the window as I do it...

*Disclaimer

Disclaimer: our analysis is not scientific. It's anecdotal. It's based on observations of behaviors and identification of perceived flaws. This page is a satire. I'm sure the Virginia DOT has copious statistics that show that the roads are being used, that they reduce congestion, and that this expansion is needed to handle future traffic flows. I'm not sold that it was worth the multiple years of traffic delays to put it there or the $1.4B price tag. I'm not convinced it works for anything more than a small slice of extremely elite highly self important drivers. I'm sure those people will find me now and have me disappeared. Just chillax. It's just a blog from a dorky engineer who had nothing better to do than spend two hours typing this.

For another blog post about Nerdprovements, check out how we fixed Amazon.com